Why is it that some of the most random thoughts or ideas occur when one is in the shower? While I was in the midst of one (and turning 26) I started thinking about the way I spent New Years in 2009. I haven't thought about it since my New Years Resolution for this year and this time round it made me feel happy, glad that I did some pretty foolish things, met some pretty interesting people. It made me think about how I've been working at the chocolate bar for almost four years, how I learnt about how to manage different people, training, legal requirements for running a business, all sorts of things. It's been challenging, frustrating, amusing, rewarding. And now here I am, with six more days before I finally bid it farewell. Its a little sad. I will miss it. It is a rather big thing for me to do- resign from my current position before even having confirmed another offer. I worry, I fret and sometimes panic but if I didn't I wouldn't be able to go back in December and not going back in December - spending it here pretty much away from those I love the most, missing the fourth Christmas with family and loved ones in a row- would crush me. So in order to look after me long-term, I needed to take this risk.

Then I started thinking about other events in my life - two graduations, "important" birthdays, moving countries...and how I kept my polar bear a part of some of these. I don't remember why I asked him to come to my graduation ceremony at KDU College, but he did. Well thats not entirely true. I just wanted him there. Even though we weren't seeing each other. Even though I didn't ask any one else, it was just him with my parents and eldest sister. Strange, huh? I don't know why he agreed, but I'm glad he did. Then there was my 21st birthday- a really quiet affair, just six or seven of my closest friends having dinner. I thoroughly enjoyed it, even though it was last minute because hey I'm really bad when it comes to planning these kind of things. But back to the people at the table, these were the friends that I felt completely at ease with, had spent large amount of time bonding with and quite frankly, had seen each other through some pretty dramatic turns. There was Vengga and Loiyana, Lonika and Shihan, Ala, Gary and of course..my polar bear. Again, at this point in time we weren't together but yet again I still remember how my heart skipped a beat and my pulse quickened when he picked me up from home. It seems as though whatever I did, no matter who I met I always wanted you to be a part of it. Because having you in my life makes me happy.

Every time I  fry my brain I stop filtering things before typing. So just a warning, here's another random post.

I came to the conclusion that every time I feel this tired I tell myself that I've never been this tired before. If thats true, then it means that something's not right with the way I'm doing things now. Like I don't remember doing 21 days straight of going into work this time last year. It's not that I've been working really long hours every day, some days I'm only in the shop for about five hours, but to still have to be in work mode for 21 days straight kinda makes it hard to accommodate much else. Its almost like I've forgotten who I am when I'm not working.

I've been thinking about food a lot lately. A heck of a lot. But when it comes to deciding what I want to eat I can't come up with anything. It's almost like I want everything, so I can't choose one thing because I think that I won't be satisfied because I'd have postponed eating at one place in order to eat somewhere else. Thats why I need to have someone to eat with most of the time. One of us would have to make the decision.

So my boss dropped by work today to check on me. It was a nice gesture, he could tell that I was out of sorts yesterday when we spoke on the phone for a few minutes. Well it would have been hard to miss, if he didn't realise I'd be worried. Still, I thought it reflected well on him that he took the time to check on me since even though people may notice that one is stressed there always is the option to not acknowledge it, or even worse aggravate it. I'm glad he didn't. Not that I was still mad or anything. Puppies have an amazing ability to calm ones agitation.

Speaking of puppies I want one. Heck I've been wanting one for a while already. That unconditional love and affection is something that I crave. Yes I know only God has the ability to love unconditionally, but a puppy comes close to having that in a tangible form. I think thats what I really need. Some tangible form of affection.

I find it really hard to focus on tasks, really hard to find the enthusiasm to deliver the best I can when my heart is not in it. My current job has me nearly completely worn out, and I can't help but think that perhaps I don't want to do this anymore. Maybe all I need is a break. Maybe all I need is a different area. Maybe all I need is a completely different field..

If I was asked how happy I am here in Melbourne I'd say I'm not depressed- there are many things about here that I love, there are people here that I will miss dearly, the quality of life here is good. But a part of me misses having family to come home to, someone who cares and looks out for me when I'm ill or coming home late after work. Someone I can gripe to, sit in silence with, watch mindless tv with...I miss coming home to people I love and that love me. I don't really have a home here. I used to, but it wasn't meant to be a forever home so I left. And two years alone (sometimes completely alone) with not even a pet to come home to can take it out of you. Lets not even talk about the missed Christmases.

So at the end of the day even though life here is alright, my heart is no longer here. It's just about done being torn in two. A place is just that- a place. The Melbourne I know I will always carry with me. I will love it and always appreciate the time that I had here. I will always recall with fondness walking along the banks of the Yarra, walking down to the beach just to watch people and their dogs go by, shopping along Chapel Street, Smith and Gertrude Streets, Bridge Road, Chadstone, the CBD, having to take the night rider back up to Chisholm, long bus rides into the city just to wander around on weekends, the Eagle Bar, going to Mornington Peninsula and staying at Dave's beach house, going to the hot springs, visiting wineries, concerts, MIFF, art exhibitions, searching out good food, some of the best coffees I've ever drunk, random strolls through the city, rooftop beers, late night wines, catching a cab home after a night at the club...the list goes on. But now I feel like it's time again for a change. And it's going to be a big one.